1. |
The Dog Riler
03:32
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The Dog Riler
You’re heard of the Dog Whisperer? Well, I’m the Dog Riler.
We are opposing forces, locked in mortal combat.
He tries to civilize them, while I work to drive them wild.
We’re kind of like dogs’ yin and yang, and yeah, that makes me yang.
He sure does seem like a nice guy, bringing canine calm –
But do we really need more domestication?
Just look at the numbers – fewer and fewer animals in the wild.
So I’m kind of like a freedom fighter – yeah, that’s why I rile.
‘Cuz you know dogs pay a price for their feathered beds
When they get as fat and bored as the humans that feed them.
Have you ever seen a dog, running through the woods?
They leap and thrum with joy that maybe we’ve forgot.
You know that riling is playful, but some dogs don’t get that –
They get so serious, and bristle and snarl.
I guess every revolution has its Bolshevik mobs.
Now I know how Leon Trotsky felt, hoisted by his own petard.
Some of my finest riling comes through effortless effort –
The dog just sees me and riles, while I stand still and calm.
I watch the frantic blur of fur and tongue from the eye of the storm –
Then I know my work here is done.
Well, you knew the Dog Whisperer, now you’ve met the Dog Riler.
We are opposing forces, locked in mortal combat.
He tries to civilize them, while I work to drive them wild.
It’s kind of like a moral issue, if you stare at it long enough.
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2. |
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Introvert on an Extrovert’s Mission
She’s an introvert on an extrovert’s mission, extrovert’s mission, introvert
Introvert on an extrovert’s mission, extrovert’s mission, introvert
And she says:
“Hey buddy, do you think that we could park ‘round here?”
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3. |
Wrong About Everything
03:36
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Wrong About Everything
There’s nothing quite so ugly as the song that sings –
Maybe we’re wrong about everything.
Like when we mistake that all life is on the physical plane,
Then destroy so much life, and leave the artists to explain
With their beautiful books to the children we make
All the wonders of life we forget, we forsake.
There’s nothing quite so ugly as the song that sings –
Maybe we’re wrong about everything.
Killing billions of bees with our poisonous sprays
Bees we depend on to eat, ‘cuz the stock market says:
“Feel the guiding caress of my invisible hand
Make abstraction your God. Separate from the land.”
There’s nothing quite so ugly as the song that sings
Maybe we’re wrong about everything.
But what if we think is so true is just one view of the world?
And what if we grew that view ‘til it was balanced and beautiful?
There’s nothing quite so hopeful as the song that sings –
Maybe we’re right about just one thing
Maybe we’re right about just this thing
Please let me be right about just this thing!
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4. |
Tasty Face
01:44
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Tasty Face
If I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
And if I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
Well, stop right there. Gotta think this through.
Let’s not be hasty – maybe I could find something else that would be equally tasty!
So if I your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
And if I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
Well, she’s wearing sunscreen. Gotta think this through.
Let’s not be hasty – that tasty face it might taste pasty!
If I your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
And if I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
Well, stop tight there! These ideas were good then they weren’t.
Your face’s very tastiness is a face-eating deterrent!
So if I your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
And if I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
If I your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
And if I eat your tasty face, what tastiness would take its place?
Tasty face
Tasty face
Tasty face
Tasty face
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5. |
Pre-Menstrual Hug
01:18
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Pre-Menstrual Hug
The past four weeks went by so fast, and then the chocolates disappear again
And frying pans are set to fly, and the household lives in fear again.
In all sincerity, we’ve got to face this time with love –
Seems like someone needs pre-menstrual hugs.
Looks like someone needs premenstrual hugs.
[Pre-menstrual hugging may not fully alleviate all of the symptoms of pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. riot nrrd enterprises and its subsidiaries accept no responsibility for any injuries sustained as a result of pre-menstrual hugging. Pre-menstrual hug at your own risk.]
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6. |
What Your Body Is
06:37
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What Your Body Is
Your body is a flock of birds.
Your body is a school of fish.
It bends around predators
And it’s beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Your body is a time machine.
Your mind is a projection screen.
They record and play everything you’ve seen.
Has it been beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful?
‘Cuz everything you do
Grooves a mental groove.
And habits can ossify you
‘Til you cannot move.
Don’t be afraid, break your own chains –
You can do that thing you never do.
Don’t be ashamed, just walk away
From this minimum-security prison.
‘Cuz sometimes lemming-like
We walk in synchrony
Towards an edge we cannot see.
So walk carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully
And don’t you know that a well-fed cow
When faced with an open gate
Will stand and stare and masticate?
So feed consciously, consciously, consciously, consciously, consciously
‘Cuz everything you do
Grooves a mental groove.
And habits can ossify you
‘Til you cannot move.
Don’t be afraid, break your own chains –
You can do that thing you never do.
Don’t be ashamed, just walk away
From your minimum-security prison.
My family is a copse of trees
Dancing with the breeze.
If we don’t bend, we break
So we dance supplely, supplely, supplely, supplely, supplely
‘Cuz everything we do
Grooves a mental groove.
And habits can ossify us
‘Til we cannot move.
We’re not afraid, break our own chains –
We can do that thing we never do.
We’re not ashamed, we just walk away
From this minimum-security prison.
Walk away from this minimum-security prison.
Minimum-security prison
Minimum-security prison
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7. |
Soap is Soap!
00:58
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Soap is Soap!
Clothes soap, face soap, car soap, bath soap
Window cleaner, oven cleaner, carpet cleaner, toilet cleaner
Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, shampoo –
Soap is soap! Soap is soap! Soap is soap! Soap is soap!
Hand soap, floor soap, body soap, dish soap
Dog soap, cat soap, bird soap, fish soap
Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, shampoo –
Soap is soap! Soap is soap! Soap is soap! Soap is soap!
Soap is …. soap. Soap is …. soap!
Soap is soap, soap is soap, soap is soap, soap is soap –
Soap is SOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAP!!!
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8. |
Barnacles!
06:37
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Barnacles!
Today we’re talking about barnacles, so don’t give me no ‘guff
We’re talking about barnacles – we don’t talk about them enough!
You’re thinking: “What could I learn about barnacles that could possibly enlighten me?”
Well, don’t be shy, come along for the ride, let’s see what we shall see …
See barnacles are smarter than you first might think.
They burrow into a whale, hitch a ride through the drink.
A fine example of symbiotic commensalism -
Although the grip of a barnacle can be tyrannical.
Barnacles!
Tenacious little pooters!
A species to look up to!
Barnacles!
You can think of them as dedicated suburbanites
Whose food flows through the local conurbation.
A fine example of location, location, location.
You could call it a crustacean staycation situation.
Barnacles!
Watch out for that harpoon!
There goes the neighbourhood!
Barnacles!
Historically, barnacles have garnered the attention
Of luminaries such as the late Charles Darwin.
A fine example of a PhD gone on too long -
8 years, 4 volumes!
Barnacles!
Gonna need more funding!
Should be done by next year!
Barnacles!
But some people on internet comment boards
Get grossed out and want to sand-blast the cetaceans.
A fine example of poor crustacean education
And how their rigid adherence to their opinions makes them metaphorically similar to the creatures they hate!
Barnacles!
A controversial topic!
You’re either with us or against us!
Barnacles!
Barnacles attach to US navy ships
Slow them down, and make going to war a drag.
A fine example of direct-action protest.
Small but mighty, they probably work by consensus.
Barnacles!
Nature’s little ship disturbers!
Often in a meeting!
Barnacles!
Now this final verse might be a bit emasculating -
‘Cuz they have the world’s proportionately longest doooooooooooooooooooooongs.
A fine example of local adaptation -
A human barnacle dong would be 60 feet long!
Barnacles!
Extremely well hung!
Can’t cock-block a barnacle!
Barnacles!
Can’t dance!
So we have to dance for them!
They’re not charismatic megafauna!
C’mon, show ‘em some love!
Barnacles
Barnacles
Barnacles
Barnacles!
Barnacles, my Lord, barnacles
Barnacles are such good symbiotes
Let us sing to all barnacles
Oh barnacles, barnacles!
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9. |
Politeness War
03:31
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Politeness war
I love being a dinner guest, being fed - take a rest from food prep.
But sometimes I find there’s a cost to being fed when choice is lost.
But if you have faith that I am already full, and if you have faith actually think you’re a good cook,
We could both agree and you could put that soup pot down.
Because nobody wins a politeness war -
Nobody wins a politeness war.
I love generosity, sharing food, feeling free.
But sometimes your kindness hides the sullen glare of your angry side.
But if you have faith that I am already full and if you have faith I truly think you’re a good cook,
We could both agree and you could put those serving tongs down.
Cuz nobody wins a politeness war -
Nobody wins a politeness war.
Nobody wins a politeness war.
Nobody wins a politeness war.
I just want to share a meal with no hint of aggression.
Besides your insistence is causing appetite suppression.
So I won’t eat one more piece of artichoke or mutton -
Why does it cause offense when I am not a glutton?
Just one more piece no thanks I’m full
Just one more piece no thanks I’m full
Just one more piece no thanks I’m full
Just one more piece no thanks I’m full!
So please have faith that I am already full and please have faith truly think you’re a good cook,
Then we can both agree and you can put those pudding pops down.
Cuz nobody wins a politeness war -
Nobody wins a politeness war
Nobody wins a politeness war
Nobody wins a politeness war.
Na nah nu na na nah
Nah nah nah nu na nah
Nah nah na na nan a nah nah
Nah nah nah, nu nu nah na nah
Nah na na nu nah
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10. |
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Humpity Hump (Hump Hump Hump)
Naked lady in the bedroom
Humpity hump (hump hump hump)
Naked lady in the bedroom -
I think I see a naked lady in the bedroom!
Small hand hollow man, so random
Trumpity Trump (Trump Trump Trump)
With a bright orange weasel rests on his head
Trumpity Trump (Trump Trump Trump)
Hollow, small-handed man, so random
With a bright orange weasel resting on his head
Single papule on that hippie child
Mumpity mump (mump mump mump)
Single papule on Jenny McCarthy’s child
Mumpity mump (mump mump mump)
There’s a single papule on that hippie child
Looks like there’s a single papule on that C-list actress’ child!
Read the paper on my white throne
Dumpity dump (dump dump dump)
Read the paper on my shiny white throne
Dumpity dump (dump dump dump)
Read the paper on my white throne
I think I’m gonna read the entire paper on my shiny white throne!
Hump, hump!
Trump, Trump!
Mump, mump!
Dump, dump!
Maybe we could dump the Trump like a chump
(Hey! Hey! What you talkin’ ‘bout?)
Why don’t you jump that rump like Forrest Gump?
(I’ll tell you what! Yeah! Yeah!)
You might hump those lumps with your stump
(What you mean now? What you mean now?)
You got to hump the Trump the mump the jump the dump thuuuu ….
(Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!! YEAH!!!)
Naked lady in the bedroom
Humpity hump (hump hump hump)
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11. |
Scuff Marks
03:09
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Scuff Marks
She sent me their canoe inside a moving van across
A thousand miles of bush and the great Canadian shield.
No more journeys for them, my father dead, my mother frail -
So I inherit the canoe with all its dreams of wilderness.
And on its first journey in Ontario
On Rathburn Lake with the light just right and the sun so low
I look down in front of my feet
And I see the scuff marks left by my father’s feet.
Proof he left his mark in the place where I just sat,
And it took me back to other marks my father left behind -
That flinch in my left shoulder, guards my heart from those attacks
Launched across the dinner table – “where’d you lose that two percent?”
That man did more than any man for me. He said:
“You want to enjoy your life? You’d better succeed.”
His disappointment walked the stairs and the stairs, they creaked
And I feared the scuffling of my father’s feet.
He gave more things to me than I can share in one short song
Like generosity and an odd way to belong.
Once he told me he was proud of me, I said “thank you,” so numb
No socket for the plug, just left to scuff the empty wall.
He gave me things I treasure still
Mountain vistas better than any pill.
Now I steer the canoe, and I splay my knees, I put my heels
In the scuff marks left by my father’s feet
From the scuffling of my father’s feet
The scuff marks of my father.
Na na na ….
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12. |
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Extrovert on an Introvert’s Mission
He’s an extrovert on an introvert’s mission, introvert’s mission, extrovert
He’s an extrovert on an introvert’s mission, introvert’s mission, extrovert
And he says:
“Hey! Why is everybody so quiet – did somebody die? Oh, wait – this is a funeral, isn’t it? Hey Janet – you’re looking great. Barry! Come and give me a big ol’ backslappy man hug! Why is everyone staring at me? What’s your problem?”
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13. |
Somethin' / Nothin'
04:00
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Somethin’ / Nothin’
Should I something or should I do nothing? Should I do something or should I do nothing?
It’s the conundrum of a rich person in a modern age with no kids.
Should I do something or should I do nothing? Should I do something or should I do nothing?
If I do nothing something won’t get done;
If I do something nothing will be fun.
It’s a conundrum of a rich person in the modern age with no kids
It’s a conundrum of a rich person in the modern age with no kids.
Something! Nothing! Something! Choose, choose, choose …
Something! Nothing! Something! Choose, choose, choose …
Should I do something or should I do nothing?
It’s the conundrum of a rich person in a modern age with no kids.
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riot nrrd Hamilton, Ontario
riot nrrd was spawned in Winnipeg, Manitoba where he hung out with and played music with some of the members of The Weakerthans and Propogandhi. Many years and travels later, he landed in Hamilton, Ontario, where he released settle in 2014 and LaughCry, SmartStupid!! in 2019, joining 'free of the suburban dream' from 1999. riot nrrd is like riot grrrl, but for nerds. ... more
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